57.03 Homer Happy, Pitching Poor

[joshd19]

I was doing a little ironing in my office just before Opening Day—it's zen for me, and I like to keep up my technique—and jamming out to a little Doja Cat (gotta love the '20s classics my parents used to play at bedtime) when a commotion from the locker room pierced my noise-obliterating headphones. In between drone-powered batting practices, the position players had gotten hold of a foul, insulting advance report from a media source suspected to be an Israeli national, based on the number of hummus stains on the manuscript. They couldn't believe the disrespect of their hitting abilities. When the pitchers heard the chatter after their anti-gravity bullpen session and read the report for themselves, they were fairly chuffed.

It seems that this report had a reverse-psychological effect on my 27-man roster, juicing the supposedly underpowered lineup to the tune of 20 HRs over 7 games for a collective .879 OPS, and nerfing the rotation to a 6.06 ERA. OD SP Ielemia Faletose had an abysmal first inning of the season, allowing 3 runs on 3 walks, 2 hits, a sac fly, and a HBP at the start of a 6-4 loss to Athens. Faletose cleaned up his act in his second game against São Paulo (hardly a formidable opponent, to be sure), and established aces get plenty of latitude. 25-year-old AAAA guys, though, aren't so lucky. After a brutal 4.1-inning, 5-run performance against São Paulo, I decided to give Motka Beteev a shot in the bullpen, where my scout told me his stuff might get juiced, and elevated #9 GBC prospect Rahman Benzai to the back of the rotation. (I'll admit that this move was influenced by the Israeli's analysis.)

Though my lineups are excelling, I'm nothing if not a tinkerer, and as I get a better sense of my team's abilities and preferences for fish-and-chips seasonings, I will continue to make adjustments, salary cap be damned. (I do need to offload some salary, though.) With my outfielders tiring and an unsatisfying solution at 2B, I called up a white-hot 2B Robert Allen and intriguing fourth OF Guo-Dong Zha. They'll be on the plane from BC posthaste—angering (or gratifying?) the brave climate soldiers fighting to protect (or destroy?) our earth's dwindling resources; when will they finally figure out jet fuel emissions??—and we'll see what hay they can make in their GBC debuts.