"Parrot E," seen here sneaking onto the field to taunt.
Parrot E Enters Mascot Protection Program Following Threats by Impalers Fans
Bucharest, May 26, 2045 - Parrot E, the mascot of UMEBA fans who've been calling for a breakup of the Bucharest Impalers, has been placed into the league's Mascot Protection Program in the wake of threats from irate Impalers fans, according to sources.
League officials refused to comment, but here is the timeline that led to this remarkable development:
May 11: Parrot E is unveiled by protestors who had stormed the League Headquarters in Jerusalem demanding the breakup of the first-place, defending UMEBA champion Impalers. "Parrot E will appear at every single game played by the Impalers, in Bucharest or on the road," vows protest organizer Gedda Lyfe. "Every single minute of every single game, Parrot E will remind the league that without parity, UMEBA has no future."
The mascot is instantly beloved by fans in the seven other UMEBA cities, and toy versions, including stuffies and action figures, quickly become popular.
May 12, morning: The Romanian parliament votes to extend bird-hunting season through the entire baseball season, including the playoffs. This leads some wildlife advocates to be particularly concerned about the fate of Parrot E, should he show up at any of the Impaler home games.
May 12, afternoon: Parrot E in fact does appear in the stadium after purchasing a ticket, as the Impalers host the Baghdad Kings in Bucharest. The mascot taunts the home team behind the home dugout. Fans boo and throw beer at it. The Impalers end up losing to the Kings 4-2 after the bullpen gives up two in the top of the 9th. Impalers faithful blame Parrot E for the defeat.
May 20: Bucharest GM Jim Cox turns the tables on the critics, flaunting his team's wealth by signing virtually every free agent available. "What good is a big budget if you don't use it?" he laughs.
May 24: Impalers finish a stretch of 12 games over 13 days, with Parrot E showing up and taunting at each and every game, home and road. The team during that span loses eight out of 12 of those games. And two of the four games it does win go to extra innings.
Impalers record without Parrot E taunting them: 27-12 .692
Impalers record with Parrot E taunting them: 4-8 .333
Bucharest observers claim that Parrot E is a bad omen and the source of the team's woes. "He's getting under our skin," one player admits, requesting anonymity. The League issues a terse statement: "While we recognize that this aggressive aviary has every right to purchase a ticket, we do not condone its tactics. This is, honestly, a farce. Parrot E is not about parity. Parrot E is just a parody."
May 25: Parrot E reports to league officials that he has received numerous death threats from Bucharest fans by email and on social media. "We will pluck you until you cannot fly," said one. "You'll soon be a dead parrot, an ex-parrot!" threatened another.
Which brings us to the current situation: Parrot E has simply disappeared. Sources indicate no foul play, nor even fowl play. Instead, the league appears to have whisked him off into the long-rumored Mascot Protection Program, instituted for all officials and unofficial mascots who are threatened with violence.
As we go to print, rumors abound as to where the protection program has placed Parrot E. Some say believe he will serve as a mascot for the Valencia Stars of the Brewster Baseball Association, slipping in to a clubhouse while team officials were dozing amid the apparently endless MBBA amateur draft. This rumor is fueled by the fact that the Stars are currently helmed by GM Neil Thomas -- who served as GM of both the Athens and Beirut ballclubs in UMEBA. "Coincidence?" pondered one scribe. "I think not."
We will keep you posted on further rumors as they become available. Fans of the other UMEBA teams are hoping it returns soon to resume its devious ways.
